My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
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