Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
Randomize
