I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
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we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
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I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
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