i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Randomize
