When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
He passed out mid-signature
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
Whatevss it will be funn .. Hopefully no one projectile vomits on the wall again.. Its kinda become a tradition though
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Randomize
