I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
