he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
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