did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
what if the hokey pokey really is what its all about?
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
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