I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
and i looked up. we had an audience...
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
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You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
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you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Randomize