I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
I think weed is turning my hair brown
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
