you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
Randomize
