Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Randomize
