Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
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