grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Randomize
