Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Randomize
