He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
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