my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
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