So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
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