It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Randomize
