Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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