i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Randomize
