so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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