my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize
