I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Randomize
