I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Randomize
