i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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