Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Randomize
