Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Randomize