i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
My Sexting was not on an AP level
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Randomize
