I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
Randomize
