Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Randomize
