why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
