I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
