You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
You dont lie about slip and slides
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
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