My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
the liver wants what the liver wants
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
