I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
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