She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
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