if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
