I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
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giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
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What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
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