I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
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