once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
Randomize
