I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Randomize
