I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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