I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
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