i permit you to call me
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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