i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
Randomize
