I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize
