I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
