I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
