Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Randomize
