Go study a dick amy that's outrageous
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
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