I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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