I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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