You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
Every concussion has its silver lining
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
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