I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
