I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
ok so i jsut did the walk of shame with this random guy that i had sex with at the hotel party, and the lady at the front desk said "wow you're just now leavin?"
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
