Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
Randomize
