I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
