i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Randomize
