my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
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