I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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