new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
