$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
Randomize
